


Things We Lost in the Fire

by katlynwtf



Series: GenRai Week 2017 [1]
Category: Naruto, Naruto Shippuden
Genre: Angst, Day One: First Time, Eventual Smut, GenRai Week 2017, M/M, PTSD, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-12 19:40:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11743821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katlynwtf/pseuds/katlynwtf
Summary: Genma was no stranger to missions going sideways. Missions went wrong all the time, especially in his line of work. He could plan out every detail, but the fact remained that there would always be variables beyond his control - he had told his partner Raido once that the only guarantee on this job was that someone was going to die, and the rest was up to chance. Granted, he was damn good at his job - that was as indisputable as the fact that he was likely going to die on the job someday - but planning and preparation only went so far, and fate could be a cruel mistress.





	Things We Lost in the Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! It's GenRai Week, which I am hella stoked about. [Rhoen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/rhoen) and I put this lovely week of all things GenRai together and honestly I'm late to the party, as it began on the 7th and it's now the 10th, but this is my contribution for day one, prompt one: first time. 
> 
> If you're interested in participating in GenRai Week, feel free to check out the [blog](https://genraiweek.tumblr.com) and/or the [information post](https://genraiweek.tumblr.com/post/163111449775/announcing) :)
> 
> Why am I the way that I am? Why can't I ever write something fluffy?
> 
> Fair warning: there is torture. Two scenes of it, and then one of Genma getting sick.

Genma was no stranger to missions going sideways. Missions went wrong all the time, especially in his line of work. He could plan out every detail, but the fact remained that there would always be variables beyond his control - he had told his partner Raido once that the only guarantee on this job was that someone was going to die, and the rest was up to chance. Granted, he was damn good at his job - that was as indisputable as the fact that he was likely going to die on the job someday - but planning and preparation only went so far, and fate could be a cruel mistress.

He was learning that the hard way as another hard punch sent him reeling, clutching at the chains holding his arms above his head, bare feet scrambling for purchase on the blood-slick floor beneath him, trying to keep himself standing. Across the room, he could see Raido, unconscious on the floor, and then he couldn't see anything as the hood was yanked down over his head again, plunging him back into darkness.

He couldn't even begin to guess how long they had been here. Days? Weeks? Time meant nothing below ground, and their captors made sure not to give them any way to keep track. He wasn't even sure who they were - he and Raido had been on their way to a neighboring land for a mission when they were ambushed, and all he could remember was feeling a sharp sting in the side of his neck before falling unconscious. When he had woken, it was to complete darkness, the steady drip of water from what he could only assume was a leaky pipe the only sound. He had counted seventeen minutes before he heard the loud creak of a door opening, and then it had begun.

They had started with Raido. With a hood pulled down over his head, Genma could only hear what they were doing, could hear them demanding information, the harsh smack of flesh colliding with flesh, the snap of bones breaking. Through it all, Raido never uttered a sound, and it had taken every last bit of Genma's self-control not to yell at them, to beg them to stop, to do it to him instead.

They didn't need to know that Raido was his weakness.

So he had held his tongue. He had forced himself not to react, to keep himself still, to calm his mind and try to think of some way out of this. Even now, ears ringing and head spinning from his own beating, worried sick about Raido, he was still trying to figure out how to get them both out of this alive.

He knew the protocol - capture was not an option. If capture was imminent and escape impossible, they were to take their own lives, but it was too late for that now, and even so, their captors hadn't given them the chance.

As for what happened if they were captured, no such protocol existed. They were flying blind here, and Genma could only see two paths forward - death or escape. But death was not an option. He would not let Raido die. He refused to, because a world where Raido didn't exist was unimaginable.

He knew that it was selfish of him, making the choice that Raido would live through this even if Genma himself did not, though he supposed it didn't really matter. As much as he hoped that he could, he wasn't even sure he could guarantee that Raido would make it out of this. At the very least, though, he had to try.

So he waited, biding his time - unlike others he knew, patience _was_ his strong suit, and he knew that eventually an opportunity would present itself... and if it didn't, damn it he would do everything he could to create one.

He was determined - even if he didn't make it, he was getting Raido out of here.

\---

Genma wasn't sure when he fell asleep, but he woke to a splash of ice cold water. Gasping and sputtering, he got his feet beneath him, opening his eyes to see one of his captors in front of him, eyes narrowed behind his plain white Anbu-style mask. It took him a moment to realize they were the only two in the room. He bit his tongue before he could ask where Raido was, the copper tang of blood filling his mouth.

"Are you ready to talk?" the man in front of him asked, voice muffled by the mask. Genma glared in response, spitting the blood that had gathered in his mouth at him. He didn't flinch as the mixture of blood and saliva spattered across his mask - he merely sighed, reaching up and pulling Genma's hood back down.

Genma braced himself as a hand grabbed a fistful of his hair, jerking his head back, taking a deep breath just before the water was poured over his face, soaking through the cloth of the hood. He let out an involuntary gasp at the shock of the cold, immediately regretting the decision as his mouth and nose filled with water. It only lasted a moment before his hair was released and the hood removed, and he leaned forward, sputtering and retching. The man barely gave him a moment's time to recover before pulling the hood back down again.

He didn't know how long it lasted, but by the time his captor relented, the sparse contents of his stomach were spattered across the floor and he was choking on bile, barely able to breathe.

"How about now?" the man demanded, grabbing a fistful of Genma's hair again and forcing his head up, forcing him to look at him. "I could end it, you know. Put you out of your misery. All you have to do is tell me what I want to know."

"Go to hell," Genma spat, straining against his chains, wishing he could wrap them around the other man's neck.

"One day, I'm sure," he replied, releasing Genma's hair and stepping back, giving Genma what he could only describe as a curious once-over. "You Leaf shinobi are tough, I'll give you that. But this I promise you - one of you will break, it's only a matter of time. And I'm willing to bet it'll be you." With that, he left, the slam of the door behind him echoing through the small room.

That was the last sound he heard for a long time.

The silence was agonizing. Torture he could handle - what he couldn't stand was not knowing if Raido was okay. For some strange reason, it had been easier when Raido was in the room, knowing what was happening. He almost wished that the other tokujo would crack, that he would scream - at least then, Genma would know that he was alive. He would rather know that Raido was in pain than think that he was dead.

Genma knew what they were doing, though. They had finally realized that physical torture wasn't working, so they had moved on to psychological torture. Separating them was a good tactic, leaving them completely unaware of what was happening to the other, wondering if they were even still alive... He had to assume if they weren't with him, they were with Raido, though what remained of his rational mind told him that they weren't with Raido either, that this was all part of their strategy. Whatever it was, this was his opportunity.

Gathering what little remained of his strength, Genma twisted his hands until he could grasp the chains, tugging experimentally on them. He doubted he would be able to pull them from the ceiling, but he tried anyway, entirely unsurprised when it didn't work. He sighed, releasing the chains and grasping his thumbs. Dislocating his own thumbs did not sound fun, especially without a medic-nin nearby to fix it, but there weren't a lot of other options. Gritting his teeth, he steeled his nerves... but before he could do it, the door swung open.

His heart nearly stopped when he saw Raido standing there, coated in blood that Genma was hoping wasn't his.

"What the hell..." Genma blinked, wondering if he was hallucinating. "How did you-"

"Pretended I was dead," Raido replied, the keys in his hand jangling as he crossed the short distance between them, reaching up and unlocking the shackles, catching Genma as he slumped forward, steadying him. "You good?"

"I'm so happy to see you right now, I could kiss you," Genma said before he could stop himself, unable to hold back a grin as he squeezed Raido's shoulder, half to steady himself and half to make sure that he was real.

"Wait until we get out of here, yeah?" Raido returned his grin, grasping his arm and tugging him toward the door. Genma didn't need any persuasion, following Raido out of the room. They moved as quickly as they dared through the dark corridors - they didn't have long until someone realized they were missing and raised the alarm, and Genma hoped to be long gone before that happened. If they weren't... Well, all he knew was that he would rather die than go back to that room.

Luck was on their side, though, and they stumbled out into the night.

\---

Genma had no idea how they made it home. He vaguely remembered being lost, finding a small village, collapsing in the street. The next thing he knew, he was staring up at Lady Tsunade.

That had been three weeks ago, and if he was being honest, he was still pretty fuzzy on the details. He wasn't sure he even wanted to know the details. He was alive. Raido was alive. _That_  was what mattered. That was all that mattered.

Of course, things had been tense since they had gotten home, and it wasn't just because of Genma's comment about kissing Raido. No, this was something else entirely, a deep-seated pain that Genma didn't know how to put words to - the pain of almost losing that which was most precious to him. Because as much as the whole ordeal had taken away from him, it had also given him something, too.

It had given him the realization that he was in love with his best friend, and that was something he had absolutely no idea what to do with.

And what could he do with it? Raido was his best friend, had been since they were children - he didn't ever want to ruin that, and that's what this realization could do. That's what it _would_  do.

Sighing, Genma rolled onto his back, turning his head to look at Raido asleep beside him, dimly illuminated by the light from the hall, studying the messy fall of his hair over his forehead, the deep furrow of his brow. Neither of them had been sleeping well since they had come home, but found that they tended to sleep better when they weren't alone.

But even with the light on in the hall and Raido beside him, Genma still couldn't sleep. It was strange - he'd always preferred the dark, until he spent a month alone in it. Now he couldn't be in a completely dark room without feeling like the walls were closing in on him, could barely be alone without feeling like he couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep without thinking that when he woke, he would find himself back in that cell. Everyone from the Hokage to the Hokage-mandated shrink he'd been seeing kept telling him that it was a perfectly normal reaction to the trauma he'd been through, that eventually the fear would subside and he'd be able to return to his normal patterns.

Tsunade had told him that his shrink was the best in the Land of Fire, but Genma thought they were both full of crap.

Because for a shinobi, this was normal. The hypervigilance, the nightmares, sleeping with one hand wrapped around a kunai, waking at the drop of a hat... He couldn't recall a day in his life where he hadn't dealt with all of the above and then some. Not since the Third Shinobi World War, at least, and he couldn't think of a single shinobi in the village who didn't do the exact same thing. It wasn't some complicated disorder, it was just part of the job description.

Bad things happened. They didn't waste their time with therapy and shrinks, they got over it. They went back to work.

At least, that had been protocol under the Third Hokage. Since Lady Tsunade had taken over the job, she had completely overhauled the healthcare protocols, but between Genma and his shrink - though he was sure she had said it to her other patients as well - that didn't really mean much when the system that had turned Genma and Raido into child soldiers in the first place still existed.

That much he could agree with his shrink on. War was no place for children, no matter how well they were trained. It took too much, left too many scars.

Genma was suddenly snapped from his thoughts by a low whimper, the bed shifting. His gaze instantly shifted to Raido again, finding the older tokujo beginning to toss and turn, tugging at the sheets and grasping for something. Genma didn't think about it, didn't hesitate - he reached out and caught Raido's hand, squeezing as tight as he dared... and then he was pinned beneath the other man, staring up into wide, wild eyes, a kunai pressed to his throat.

"Hey, it's just me!" Genma winced as the kunai bit into his skin, drawing a thin line of blood. "Raido!"

"Genma?" Raido blinked slowly, as if he wasn't quite sure that what he was seeing was real. After a moment, he let the kunai fall from his hand, visibly flinching as it thudded to the floor. "What-"

"You were having a nightmare." Genma kept his voice low, his grip on Raido's hand tightening even as the other man's grip loosened, anchoring him to the reality of the moment. He knew all too well how disorienting it was coming out of a nightmare. "It's okay, Rai. You're okay."

He thought having water poured over his face until his lungs were burning and he couldn't breathe had hurt, but it was nothing compared to the look in Raido's eyes, the wild panic that was just now beginning to fade into recognition. He briefly wondered what had happened to the other man after they'd been separated, but he didn't dare ask. He wasn't even sure he really wanted to know. He didn't know if he could handle knowing.

"I'm sorry," Raido mumbled, twisting his hand in Genma's and slipping his fingers between his. It was a simple gesture, an innocent one, meant both to comfort and to seek comfort, and he didn't even seem to notice that he was doing it, but it still made Genma's heart skip a beat.

It was then that they both seemed to realize that Raido was still on top of him, and Genma was reacting. Involuntarily, but still reacting, and he dropped his gaze, unable to look his best friend in the eye. But Raido didn't move.

“That thing you said,” he murmured, hand tightening around Genma's again. “Did you mean it?”

“Did you?” Genma countered, glancing up at him again and finding his eyes closed, bottom lip caught between his teeth. Raido didn't answer, and Genma's heart leapt into his throat as he shifted, leaning down. He hesitated there, mere inches from Genma's face, and then, with a soft exhale, closed the last bit of distance between them.

This was far from Genma's first kiss, but when Raido's lips brushed softly against his, it felt like his first kiss all over again, a rush of nervous curiosity and excitement fluttering low in his gut. It was quick, barely lasting a second before Raido drew back just enough to look at him, eyes wide and dazed, still close enough that Genma could feel his breath ghosting across his mouth. Neither of them dared to break the silence, but Raido's eyes spoke volumes as they searched his - he must have found what he was looking for because he closed the distance to kiss him again, this one rough and messy and urgent, pressing closer and settling his hands on Genma's ribs.

Genma couldn't quite wrap his mind around what was happening. A moment ago, Raido hadn’t even seemed to know where he was, caught up in a nightmare Genma was sure had been as vivid as the ones he’d been having, but now something had shifted. He could feel it in the desperate way Raido clutched at him, the hungry way he kissed him. Perhaps this was just Raido needing the physical comfort of another warm body, perhaps it wouldn’t mean to him what it meant to Genma, perhaps Genma would only wind up hurt in the end... But Raido was asking, and Genma couldn’t say no even if he wanted to.

As much as Raido needed this, Genma did too.

He sat up when Raido tugged at his shirt, raising his arms so he could pull the thin fabric over his head. Raido’s shirt quickly followed, and then the other man was pushing him back down to the mattress, trailing kisses along his jaw that felt like fire against his skin, shifting his weight from Genma’s waist to push at the elastic band of his sweatpants.

Genma angled his hips up to help Raido get them off, kicking them to the floor before pulling him back in and rolling so the older man was beneath him, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to his neck. He wanted to take his time, finding it unlikely that he would get another chance to worship the man in front of him the way he wanted to, the way Raido deserved, but he had a different goal in mind as he trailed quick, sloppy kisses down Raido’s chest, fingers slipping beneath the band of his shorts and working them down over his hips. He paused only to trace the thin line of a scar along Raido’s lower abdomen with his tongue, eliciting a shiver from his friend, and then it was Genma’s turn to shiver at the sound of Raido’s low moan as his hand curled around the older man’s erection.

“Gen, please.” Raido let out a trembling breath, hand groping blindly for Genma’s head, guiding him down. His next plea was cut off by a strangled moan as Genma took him into his mouth, fingers tightening in Genma’s hair. The sharp tug hurt his scalp, but he ignored it, focusing instead on the intoxicating sounds coming from Raido’s mouth, on taking a breath before lowering his head to take him all the way to the back of his throat.

It was easy to get lost in the taste of Raido on his tongue, and _gods_  did he taste good, better than anyone Genma had ever had before, and the sounds he was making... Those sounds held the power to completely undo him, and Raido didn’t even know.

He whined when Raido pulled him up, catching the sound in a bruising, open-mouthed kiss that left him breathless, and then he rolled, pinning Genma beneath him. When he drew back, his eyes were dark, pupils blown wide, and for a moment, the only sound in the room was their ragged breathing and Genma’s heartbeat, pulsing loud in his ears.

“Lube,” Raido finally managed, grabbing for the drawer of the bedside table when Genma gestured in that direction. Genma could see his hands trembling as he fumbled with the bottle, clicking it open and squeezing a liberal amount onto his fingers. Genma lifted his hips as Raido pressed one slick finger against his tight hole, gasping softly as he slowly pushed in to the second knuckle, pausing to allow Genma a moment to adjust.

He took his time preparing Genma, working him with one finger for a moment before cautiously adding a second, and eventually a third, and Genma felt a rush of gratitude and affection for his best friend for being so careful, but at the same time he wished he would hurry up - he needed more. So much more.

It was his turn to beg, bucking up against Raido’s hand in a silent plea, and Raido was quick to oblige. He picked up the lube from where he’d tossed it onto the bed, opening it again and slicking his cock before hitching Genma’s legs up around his waist, aligning himself at his entrance and pressing in. Genma moaned at the sensation, clutching at Raido’s arms when the other man bottomed out, stilling.

“Is this okay?” Raido asked, sounding as breathless as Genma felt. He could only nod, shifting to accommodate Raido as he leaned forward to kiss him again, letting his hands slide up Raido’s arms, his back, his neck, until he could thread his fingers into Raido’s hair. It was a brief kiss, soft and sweet, and then Raido pushed up again, grasping Genma’s hips and beginning to move.

Genma could barely remember to breathe as Raido thrust into him, slow and deep, holding his gaze. Those dark eyes of his were mesmerizing, filled with longing and desire and something else Genma couldn’t name, something that almost made him feel whole again. He couldn’t resist reaching up to trail his fingers across the scar marring his best friend’s cheek, tracing each raised line before slipping his hand around the back of Raido’s neck and guiding him down for another kiss, moaning against his mouth as the other man’s hips rocked forward against him. Raido took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, tongue dipping lazily between Genma’s parted lips.

Genma could live forever and he would never get tired of kissing Raido like this - soft and slow, unhurried, like they had all the time in the world.

He shuddered as Raido’s lips moved to his jaw before pressing against his neck, his already slow pace faltering slightly as he neared release. He caught Genma’s hand before he could touch him, fingers slipping into the spaces between his and clenching tight on the back of his hand as he pressed it into the mattress. He’d been entirely silent since asking if Genma was okay, but he couldn’t hold back a moan when Genma’s legs tightened around him, soft voice gently coaxing him over the edge.

Raido’s hips hitched against Genma’s ass, and then he stilled, occasionally trembling, his ragged breath warm and damp as he gasped against his throat. Genma wrapped his free arm around the other man, holding him close as he slowly came down from his high.

“Did you...” Raido’s voice was shaky when he finally spoke, low in Genma’s ear, but the question he was trying to ask was clear.

“No,” Genma answered honestly, pressing a soft kiss to Raido’s shoulder. “But it’s okay. Are you okay?”

“More than okay,” he replied, letting out a quiet, breathless chuckle, releasing the death grip he had on Genma’s hand, but keeping their fingers loosely entangled as he rolled off of him to lay at his side, taking a moment to catch his breath. When he spoke again, Genma could hear the uncertainty in his voice. “Do you want me to-”

“You don’t have to,” Genma assured him, gently squeezing his hand as he turned his head to smile at him. “It’s okay, Rai, really.”

“I want to.” Something shifted in Raido’s expression, determination replacing his hesitation. As if he thought he needed to reiterate his point, he repeated himself as he moved down the bed to kneel between Genma’s still spread legs, wrapping his hand around Genma’s erection. He glanced up at him for a brief second, then lowered his head to take him into the damp heat of his mouth.

The fading heat that had been coiling low near the base of Genma’s spine just moments ago flared back to life again as Raido’s tongue swept expertly up the underside of his shaft, and he couldn’t hold back the low moan that tore from the back of his throat at the sensation, grabbing a fistful of the sheets and resisting the urge to buck up into Raido’s mouth. _Gods_ , it felt good - _too_  good, really. As much as he wished he could drag this out, he wasn’t going to last much longer.

“Fuck, Rai-” His attempt to speak devolved into another moan as Raido slipped two fingers into him, unflinching when Genma’s hips involuntarily bucked. Those long, nimble fingers brushed against his prostate at the same moment Raido decided to take his cock all the way to the back of his throat, and that was it. Genma came with low cry, head tipping back and eyes squeezing shut, twisting the sheets between his fingers.

When he opened his eyes again, Raido was laying beside him once more, and he didn’t hesitate to turn and press against him, seeking out his mouth. He kissed him slow and deep, uncaring that he could taste their mingled flavors on his tongue, knowing that this might be his last chance.

Genma was reluctant to end the kiss - in truth, he wished it would never end - but he had to catch his breath, and settling down against Raido’s side felt like a good compromise.

The passing seconds became minutes, minutes became an hour. Genma knew they should get out of bed and clean up, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave the warmth of Raido’s arms or the tender comfort of his fingers carding through his hair - the instant he did this would be over, and he wasn’t ready to give it up just yet. So he let himself relax against Raido’s side, pushing his worries to the back of his mind; this couldn’t last forever, and he wasn’t going to waste what time he had left with Raido thinking about what would come after.

He didn’t know where they would go from here. He didn’t know if Raido felt the same way he did, if their first time was also their last, or if Raido would still be beside him when he woke in the morning. All Genma did know was that he loved Raido, unequivocally, with everything he had, and that whatever happened, he would always have this night, burned into his memory like a brand.

For now, it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Naruto and all recognizable characters belong to Kishimoto. Title is from a Bastille song of the same name.
> 
> I live for comments and constructive feedback :D


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